Will it play in Peoria?

Sitting on the airplane with my eyes closed tight, trying not to cry and failing miserably. Tears are streaming down my face. I feel untethered. Floating without a purpose. What I have spent nearly 18 years fighting for has finally happened, and I don't know what to do next. My one-and-only baby boy moved into his college dorm, ready to start his new life. Mission accomplished - we figured out how to support his learning differences and got him through high school. And, despite my bursting pride and feelings of accomplishment, I would be lying if I didn’t admit I’m also feeling a little lost. I am ridiculously proud of him and his readiness to start this next chapter of his life. But alas, now I have to figure out mine. 

I know I’m not alone in this feeling; my Facebook feed is full of well-wishers who have been through it and people in my position preparing to drop off. There are many blogs telling parents why we feel this way and how to cope. It’s not that I won’t have things to do. I still have a very busy full-time job with many goals to accomplish this year and in the future. I also have responsibilities on the local School Committee (a story for another day), but it’s not the same. Neither will completely replace the hole in my life where advocating for Wilson lived.

When you have one child, everything is the beginning and the end simultaneously. You have one little soul who is both your purpose and your joy. I honestly can’t imagine having more than one and dividing my attention. Wilson got all of the expectations, the worry, and the fight. Many anxious days and sleepless nights were spent making sure he got what he needed to succeed. Mission accomplished, he made it through high school and is starting college. Now what? I know there will still be some anxious days and sleepless nights with my heart walking around 1000 miles away, but he is ready to stand on his own. 

When I was a kid, I dreamt of writing children’s books. During elementary school, I would make books for every occasion. My 5th-grade teacher still has the one I made when her daughter was born. I even took one of the “Reader’s Digest” tests to see if I could be an author. It never went anywhere. And then I thought I couldn't come up with any stories that hadn’t already been written. My career pulled that thread into the marketing job I have today. And now it seems that maybe my purpose is to write a book about a child. 

Over the last few years, I’ve talked to many people about how we figured out Wilson was dyslexic, managed his ADHD, and worked to get him the support he needed at school. I have his permission to share more formally in this blog. Who knows, maybe someone will learn something, and it won’t be so hard for them. And perhaps this will turn into a book.